For Jessica(s) with Love . . .

I have found myself saying “No” a lot lately.  I promise Mom and Dad it’s not what you think . . . kind of.  I am only human and I have my weaknesses also.  And though I have felt victim to them time and time again, there is no greater feeling then the strength to stand up for yourself.  It beats any next day of regret and emotion.   You even walk a little different . . . even in 6 inch red stilettos (I don’t care Mom if they look like hooker shoes, I love them) you still feel a little bit taller, and walk a little bit stronger!   There will always be tears, and there will always be heartbreak, but what I also learned this month is there will always be girlfriends old and new with many bottles of wine to help you get through the moments you can’t see past the tears.  Some days will be harder than others.  Myself personally I will always have a hard time come the date of a wedding that never happened for me.   But, this month I get to help a new friend bridge a similar situation this year, we will drink mimosas, and pamper ourselves ridiculously and remind ourselves what everyone else already see’s . . .just how fabulous we are, even when we stand alone.  No relationship is the same, and some . . . some hit you where it hurts most and are a little harder to get over then others.  Let’s face it we aren’t 16 anymore, we have real life problems with real life fears.  Just because time seems to be going a little faster in our lives now, we are never too old to start fresh.  No matter the situation, no matter how many times we fall short . . . there is no problem to big where one of us won’t help the other one stand.  Millie Grazie!

You say your independent , get it from your momma?

There is a different breed of women today.  We no longer sit home and knit, while waiting for a man to come along and take care of us.  Not that there is anything wrong with someone else taking care of us, we just live in a different world today.  More women are going to college today, graduate school. . . landing higher paying jobs then they would of a generation ago.  Nearly 40% of women today are the breadwinners in their homes.  And while the alpha women continues to progress even further into the feminist movement now in its second generation, I can’t help notice the beta male left in the dust.  But are the men really left behind, or is the independent women just waiting for them to catch up?

Women’s role in society today hasn’t just progressed it has radically evolved.  We have mapped out our lives, and goals.  We are career minded, independent at making our own decisions, and children?  Maybe when I am nearing my forties; the age considered the end of our childbearing years.  We are no longer the damsel in distress looking for our knight in shining armor.  Most of us women today are doing the rescuing. 

I find myself to be insistently independent.  Some people mistake my independence for being guarded and jaded, and maybe I am to some extent, in fact I know it is, but even when I am in a relationship I always seem to fight for my own time.  I am my mother’s daughter, I worry, I fix, and I need my space.  I always find myself in relationships where I am fixing someone.  I make excuses for their behavior and strive to encourage and motivate.  Don’t get me wrong it takes two people to make a relationship work and I’m not mother Theresa, I have my faults.  I think my insecurities and walls I’ve built, mask brilliantly as independence. I am the star in my own one women show, and when the curtain closes, there I am alone waiting for someone to rescue me from myself.  So how do I balance?  How do I let down my guard and walls, while still hanging on to some of the great qualities that stem from being independent?  I am begging for someone to rescue me from me, and when that person comes I instantly push them away, while chasing the male opposite of myself, the “fixer-upper”.  Who am I kidding, I am the “fixer-upper”.  I am suffering from a manifested, hypochondriac, self diagnosed from WebMD case of “Independent Women Syndrome” the reason why so many women are reporting the greatest dissatisfaction with their relationships of any time in history, according to the New York Times. 

So here it is. . .I’m a fearful person, I fear failure, and I fear rejection. I am indecisive, I fear making decisions, because what if I am wrong, I make the wrong choice and I don’t know how to fix it, a decision so huge I don’t know how to undo it.  I was always the kid who ordered chocolate ice cream, and wished I ordered vanilla.  I also understand the even the biggest mistakes, the biggest chances, the biggest failures, beat the hell out of never trying.  It’s like intimacy, both desired and feared, impossible to live with and damn hard to live without.  And without you. . .my life will go on, masked independently on the outside, but on the inside it will kill me.  

I am aware of all my shortcomings, and my  issues, packaged so elegantly and appealing.  So why, . . . why do I keep banging my head up against the wall?  Because, . . . because it feels so good when I stop.

  

Delaying the inevitable. . .

Fate . . . according to Webster is:

1.      the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do : destiny

Webster goes on to spit out a plethora of other meanings for the word Fate, but I found those to be the most outspoken.  We experience so many things as we grow older, and each circumstance teaches us a new lesson.  We fall in love, we fall out of love.  We open up, and we build walls.  We are only human and as we “fatefully” follow our path we chain ourselves to the insecurities that we collect along this destined journey. Isn’t it Newton who said that “To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”?  So what’s the equal and opposite reaction to; “here is my heart please run your car over it. . .over and over again”?   

If we are destined to learn lessons that bind us to chains we will carry with us forever, how do we find the strength to trust destiny and let someone in? Or are these lessons just preparing us for the inevitable future.  That out there is some cosmic force connecting us. Making us stronger. Making us patient to take on the entire luggage that comes with young adults our age.  I always tell people there is no time limit on the healing process of things that occurred during relationships in the past , and then there are some wounds that cut so deep they leave scars.  I have a friend, let’s call her Zooey . . .she is very deeply scarred from her past relationship.  Today she is very much in love with someone new who is patient and kind, and willing to wait for her to heal.  His passion for her is admirable.  Maybe that is what love is about, maybe that’s the key.  Waiting, believing that one day she will be released of all her insecurities, the scars will still be there but instead of hurt, she will see them and they will remind her of how strong they made her, and the man who helped her heal.  I, I believe in fate, I believe that there is one person out there for everyone.  Who knows, we might already know this person.  People come in and out of our lives when we least expect it, some are there just to leave and imprint, some are there to teach us the hard lessons, and others are there to take our breath away.  It may not be love at first sight, and it may take awhile .  But when you know, you know.

. . . and one day when its time, you get on the plane.   ;-)

2.       an inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition, or end

Girl On Girl . . .

Mean Girls we all joke about the film and exaggeration of it all, but how much of it is exaggeration?  We all imagine that this is a phase girls out grow as they leave high school, but reality is . . . it goes from being catty to just downright extreme.  I recently experienced something I don’t think I have experienced since maybe my college days when the coolest place to be was an underground bar that smelled like puke.  I had two women who I have never met in my entire life perform a modern day Salem witch trial, they were the puritans, and I was Abigail Williams.  There I was accusations, name calling, obscenities, and cell phones being thrown in my face with their idea of proof of why in thier eyes I was all the things they claimed i was.  I was being dragged to the fire, preparing to be burned at the stake.  I hate admitting this, but it emotionally shook me for days, and I am still a little bothered by it. Why would such an immature act bother me so much?  While one, it all leads back to a man who I thought I felt safe and comfortable with, and two . . . I had no idea who these women were.  Maybe it’s my age, but I can’t imagine anyone just deciding to start a hate campaign against someone they  have never met or had a actual conversation with, and that’s exactly what was happening to me.  I was unaware that this campaign against me had been going on for over a month, with my public humiliation as the finale.  What is it about women today?  We claim to be sisters, and join together for equal rights. . .when in all reality we are each other’s biggest enemies, and how did we get here?  Today 1 out of every 4 violent acts in America are girl on girl, a generation ago it was 1 out of every 10!   When did we stop building each other up, and start breaking each other down? I am not perfect, and I am sure I have at one point in my life been on the mean girl side but when do we grow out of these acts of violence against one another.  I couldn’t help but think . . .I have some amazing women in my life.  Although these other girls may have broken me down and made me question women in general it only made me more proud and admire the women I call my girlfriends.  These girls are not just friends they are my therapy.   We may change and evolve as we join this human race, which is just that a race . . . they (my girlfriends) will always be the rainbow on a difficult day.     

To all my girlfriends . . .

"Promise me you'll always remember:  You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think" - Christopher Robin to Pooh

A glass half full . . .

Faith is a funny thing, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it.  Sometimes we don’t even realize it until all faith is destroyed in a blink of an eye.  You can’t think of one reason why you should be with this one person, but you can think of a million reasons why you shouldn’t.  Living a life where the glass is half empty, and then it hits you.   You were waiting for something to happen, you needed a sign, a reason to believe, and some hope in the absence of hope. . . and someone comes along.  Your glass now is half full and there is something to say about a glass that’s half full.  The opportunity to “say when”, but that’s just it the fine line of possibility when you don’t know when enough is enough . . .and it also depends on what’s being poured.  More coffee, more tequila, more love.   It’s up to the person to decide the level of need and emotions. You’re sitting there and a sip, a taste is not enough you need more, a bottomless glass, and all it takes is that one slip and the glass hits the floor and shatters, control shatters.

Emotions are messy, and we all become control freaks when it comes to our emotions.  We begin a cycle of denial, and that’s thing about denial. . . we only see what we want to see, believe what we want to believe.  We begin to deny so much that the truth is clouded with our own denial.  There are no solutions, no easy answers.  And the pain, all you can do is ride it out, and hope it goes away.  And whoever said “What you don’t know can’t hurt you”  must have invented the idea of surprises.  Because not knowing for most people, not knowing when you’re about feel a pain that hits so below the belt, is the worst feeling in the world.  In order to survive this world today where we no longer share a milkshake at the “Peach Pit”, or Saturday nights at the Drive-In, we have to let a little part of us live in the dark.  Because even though in the dark there is fear, there is also faith and hope.  There will always be things we don’t want to hear, and things we simply just have to say because we can’t take the silence. Things we will always keep to ourselves and things that just speak for themselves.  At the end of the day we have to make our own “happy endings”, appreciate those who come in to our lives, teach us lessons and leave imprints on our character.  Admire the struggles it takes just to let someone in, and the feeling of comfort and safety when they break down those walls.  Maybe sometimes we do have to appreciate the things we don’t know, and may never know.  Because sometimes too much of anything isn’t a good thing it’s just that . . .more.  At the end of the day all we really have is ourselves, and everything your doing I am doing in heels.

Cure for the common silly girl . . .

I am almost embarrassed of girls my age now days and I am no stranger to participating in this epidemic of silly girls.  They say if you’re not willing to make yourself sound stupid, you don’t deserve to be in love.  The girls of my generation took that quote and ran with it!  We run around and risk ourselves, reputations, heart, and mind.  We do things we never thought we would do, and in the end sometimes it works out, but mostly we just look silly. There is no rulebook, no guidelines set for us to follow just some advice passed down to our mothers which was passed down to them from their mothers.   Our mothers broke all the rules, but then continued to pass along the same advice they received, I presume because they saw themselves as silly girls.  So where does that leave us?  Smack dab in the middle of a tug a war, defining our image and road map between Grace Kelly and Paris Hilton.  So what do we do, how do we break the cycle?  Rules, maybe there isn’t any, maybe we have to make our own rule book.  Who cares if you’re a Grace or Paris, as long as you’re just being you.   Eventually we are going to have to face the world, guns blazing.  So why not feel guilty for crossing your own lines, not the ones society, and our mothers set for us.  God knows our mothers didn’t follow the advice passed down to them, communes, “Free Love” and Woodstock I’m sure was not in the playbooks. 

So we quit wadding in the shallow waters of silliness, dive into the deep end and emerge from the water refreshed and renewed.     We don’t let anyone tell us what is acceptable and what’s not, I know it can get dangerous and scary, but you’ll learn.  The silliness will become a distant memory of someone who stumbled to find who she was amongst a plethora of expectations.    Restoring which once was the shell of a confused insecure silly girl.  Now all anyone will see is a strong, independent, and confident woman, with her own rule book in tow, the best accessory.

It’s a mad mad world . . .

I have been spending a lot of my now available free time with girlfriends of mine, and throughout conversations it made me ask the question . . .When did we as women become the one courting men, instead of vice versa?

I met with some dear friends the other night for a birthday dinner, and I was the gift or birthday surprise.  A great honor and privilege when it comes to this particular friend.   I greatly admire her and the many obstacles in life I have been there to witness her go through, and see her become the strong women she is today.   I definitely admire her boyfriend and hers relationship, and view them to be unique.  They complement each other in so many ways, and can really feel a sense of balance within their relationship.   They are both supporters of my blog and questioned what topic I would be talking about in my next post, I replied “Co-dependency” within relationships.   They were both enthused by the topic and opened up honestly about their past relationship and how co-dependency was an issue.  So what makes this relationship they are in now different then the old habits in the past?  They courted each other.  Neither was too quick to jump head first, they took things slowly, lunch dates, late night phone calls . . . something rare now a days.

Today we are so desperate to jump into the deep end before we even know how to swim, that by the time we figure it out we are exhausted, exuded all of our energy and suffocating.  What happen to taking things slowly?  In a world where everything is instant with the click of a mouse, fast food, instant coffee, the internet on our phones, we are introduced to a society that not only expects but demands instant satisfaction.  We elect a new president on day 1, and disappointed when he doesn’t deliver the “change” he promised by day 2.   We want, what we want, when we want it.  We are a generation addicted to falling in love, when we haven’t even taken the time to really know what love is.

More to come on Co-dependency, but for now I am taking time to “Stop and smell the roses”.

A very blog-public rant with a side of disclaimer . . .

I am not quite sure where to begin this post, or that it’s appropriate.  But I feel the point of this project is to expose myself, flaws and all so here it goes . . .

Currently there is someone in my life where I felt the chapter wasn’t closed, and no matter how long it’s been it was a relationship that always tugged at my heart.  I never felt closure, and never liked the way things ended.  I also realize you can’t live in the past, otherwise you can never move forward. 

This evening I got an email that made my heart sink. . . and so begins the rant.  For any of the men that have played some romantic role in my life at one point or another, this blog is not about you.  Yes I mentioned that I will discuss my relationships, specially the toxic relationships I keep experiencing with 3 in specific.    Still . . . this is not about you.  This is about me, completely exposing my flaws (yes I know that I was anything but the perfect girlfriend to you) and discovering who I am.  This is me taking off the mask you so kindly said I wear, and yes the façade is over hence the blog.  Maybe if you would have taken the time to actually read my blog instead of skimming it, you would have seen that.  I was very much in love with you when we were together, and it’s not the kind of love you just forget.  So if you were looking for a way to hurt me, you got your moment.  It may have been cowardly and strategically played to your own reality, but it is not my reality. You say I live as though I am the lead character in a TV series or movie, and you couldn’t be more right.  I am the lead character of my own life, just like everyone else.  I never meant to insult you, I never even mentioned you in this blog.  As for the past I couldn’t be more apologetic for the many ways I have wronged you.  But the past is just that, it’s the past.  This blog was not intended to hurt your feelings, and to make you feel recycled.  Our relationship is very special to me, and I hold it very close to my heart.  I was looking forward to the next chapter of our story, even if it was just friendship.       

 I am sure you and everyone else are wondering why I didn’t just settle this privately. Well . . . that would defeat the whole reason for this project.  Get my thoughts, feelings, flaws, and emotions out, to hold myself accountable for producing healthy relationships in 2011.  

Besides, even though you claim blogs are stupid, and mine is “hysterically pathetic” I know your still reading. . .

Love, Logic, Fairytales and Boundaries . . .

I can’t help but remember when I was younger; a common phrase used “When I grow up . . .” Now we are all grown up, and how do we make it stop?  Before we lived by the rules our parents set for us, and now we live by our own rules.  We set boundaries and draw lines in the sand, we develop these walls that are meant to keep others out, but really we just cage ourselves in.  

At some point we have to decide.  Do we spend our lives laying bricks, building the walls meant to keep those who hurt us out, and those who potentially pose a threat.  Or do we raise our white flag, and cross the lines that are too dangerous to cross?  We have to make our own mistakes, learn our own lessons.   

Cinderella, Prince Charming, a white dress, a perfect complexion, the fairytale.  When do we grow up and stop believing?  Logically these things don’t exist, but as girls it’s our future, as women it’s so close we can taste it.  We strive for a love full of singing birds, white picket fences, “you had me at hello . . .” and glass slippers.  Nobody ever comes to you and tells you that first you will be dragged through the mud, broken down in so many ways that you begin to believe there is no bandage big enough to protect the wound in your heart.  And after we have experienced, we may be a little beaten up but we jump right back in the ring.   The pain is a different kind of pain; you inflicted it upon yourself despite all the warning signs. And when dust has cleared, and you have sobered from the same Kool-Aid everyone else is drinking you are brought back to logic, walls, and boundaries. 

Love is a drug, heroin for our soul.  The most addictive; the most fatal. You instantly become an addict with your first hit, and when it’s all gone all you want is more.  You hallucinate fairytales when you are at your highest high, and you become “Lovesick” at your lowest low.  Logic is our hangover, you know what you are doing when you’re drunk and high on love, you know the consequences when you wake up in the morning.  So why do we do it, why do we drink the Kool-Aid?  It’s the fairytale.  Pushing the boundaries letting go of logic; knowing that one day someone special enough is going to come along and hold your hand well you cross that line that was always too dangerous to cross. 

Goodbye to the Good Girl.

Some of us end a relationship like we rip off a band aid.  Quick, with a tinge of pain, and it’s over.  I do things a little more dragged out and painful.  Staring at the horizon of yet another failed relationship, I instantly overanalyze what went wrong . . . 

I spend more time trying to influence others that I am “perfect”.  I know I have flaws, everyone has flaws.  I am a people pleaser, I want others to view me as the perfect partner, friend, daughter the list goes on and on. Whatever role I play in your life, I want to be the best version of myself.  Not a dishonorable quality, but a heartbreaking one.  Failure is indefinitely going to be the outcome, nobody is perfect.   If my primary concern is to please others, no wonder I continue to make bad decisions for all the wrong reasons in my relationships.    This also ignites the explosion of pent up resentment I feel for the other person in a relationship, exposing that crazy scary version of myself I mentioned in my last blog.

Although there have been many chapters in my life of men that I have recycled none have been more chronically and heartbreaking then one . . . Tom Hansen (Alias, “500 Days of Summer”) tortured and unsure of his place in life, and suffering from the same ailment as myself  a fellow “recycler”.  Being that we are the male and female equivalent of each other it would only make sense that we consistently feel the need to make the other suffer.  Our intentions are good; always conversations on what went wrong.  It’s been 2 years since we broke up and 2 years of back and forth recycling, neither of us could tell you why.   

What do I get out of this relationship? I couldn’t tell ya . . . Tom Hansen (through my own eyes) on the other hand gets the people pleasing, cheerleading, comforting, genuine concerning good girl.  I could sit and overanalyze this relationship and attraction for punishment for years and never reach a conclusion, I mean come ‘on they still don’t know who killed JFK!

The pain is inevitable in a relationship, the suffering is optional.  So instead of being someone’s crutch, it’s time to cut the cord. The relationship/friendship may end, but it doesn’t have to end my life; my largest fear when it comes to Tom Hansen.  So instead of spending more time trying to perfect myself to someone else’s ideal of perfect, it’s time to focus more of my energy and putting myself out there for the “strange”.

So goodbye to the “Good Girl”.  The girl who is there at the drop of hat when “he” is feeling down and out.  The girl who consistently tries to manipulate herself into something or someone she is not.  The girl who may not be perfect for you, but will one day be someone else’s idea of perfect by just being her. Goodbye to the girl who is vulnerable to let you in her heart and take hostage.  I will not take another’s opinion of myself as the truth, nothing others think or say about me is me, just a reflection of their own reality.  I no longer need to try to influence exboyfriends/Tom Hansen to like me, view me as perfect, regret their decision to let me go. . . ultimately this should free up an unbelievable amount of my time.  The current destination without Tom Hansen is unknown, but necessary to discovering the real good girl inside me.  There are no regrets, because when it was good, it was wonderful.   When it was bad . . . it was an experience, and when the dam burst, all you can do is swim.

The 30 Day Challenge

Single white female, living in a time where Jennifer Aniston is the new Jackie O, the economy sucks, we are the children of the baby boomers, and divorce, we were told “If you don’t go to college, you will be nothing”, ask my generation how the return on that investment is working out for them.  The economy sucks and most of us don’t have a choice but to still live with our parents.  With everything standing in our way society and the “American Dream” says we are to get married, have kids be the “Real Housewives” of whatever city we reside in, or on the other side of the coin, we are to focus on our careers, and live the blissfully free lives of Carrie Bradshaw and Vincent Chase . . . or so HBO makes us believe.  

So where do I fall in all of this commotion, confusion, and media hype?  I recycle . . . and not what you would think.  I don’t recycle old newspapers, soda pop bottles, or milk cartons.  I recycle . . . ex-boyfriends! It’s a horrible habit and one I can’t explain or provide a logical, reasonable, or sane explanation for why I do this.  Just the simple answer that I am not good at communicating, relationships . . . in fact I spend more time giving relationship advice for both my male and female friends.  A consistent rotation of diagnoses, and prescriptions for a generation of commitment phobic, stage five clingers.  I guess the phrase “those who can’t do, teach” is a true statement in my case.  I know that I need to look in the mirror and follow my own advice.  I am not naive or blind, I am fully aware of what I am doing . . . but there are just some things I have no self control over.  My sanity in relationships is one of them. I become a crazy scary version of the already type A, perfectionist that I am.  So instead of introducing this crazy side of myself to new people, why not just stick with those who have already dealt with the madness!  Obviously this isn’t working out for me, so I am presented the 30 day challenge . . .

 A challenge brought to me by my cousin-in-law, and confirmed by a friend that I will absolutely fail without a doubt! No communication with 3 particular ex’s for 30 days. In a time where you know what the kid who gave you rocks in kindergarten had for lunch that day, you can see how this may present itself to be challenging and difficult.  Despite all of the things that I am, I love a challenge and proving people wrong.  The real question is, “Can I do it”?

So I will blog (hopefully daily) how I am affected by this challenge. I will go into detail about the 3 gentlemen who play such an important role in who I am, and why they consistently play a part in my life.  However for everyone’s protection I will give them alias.  I can’t promise that it will be interesting or intellectually stimulating, but I promise to be honest and graphic (with discretion).  My best friend from college once described me as her “most dramatic” friend.  I could be offended or humored by this comment; instead I wear it as a badge of honor.  I live life emotionally with my heart on my sleeve, and I am proud of it, it reminds me I am alive.  So if anything I promise you will be entertained.

I am not my mother or Jackie O, I am not Rachel Green, and I most definitely am not Carrie Bradshaw.  I am Kristen, 28 years old, single; completely unaware of who I am other then someone’s girlfriend/ex-girlfriend, but that all changes  . . .

Im through with love - Marilyn Monroe