I spend more time trying to influence others that I am “perfect”. I know I have flaws, everyone has flaws. I am a people pleaser, I want others to view me as the perfect partner, friend, daughter the list goes on and on. Whatever role I play in your life, I want to be the best version of myself. Not a dishonorable quality, but a heartbreaking one. Failure is indefinitely going to be the outcome, nobody is perfect. If my primary concern is to please others, no wonder I continue to make bad decisions for all the wrong reasons in my relationships. This also ignites the explosion of pent up resentment I feel for the other person in a relationship, exposing that crazy scary version of myself I mentioned in my last blog.
Although there have been many chapters in my life of men that I have recycled none have been more chronically and heartbreaking then one . . . Tom Hansen (Alias, “500 Days of Summer”) tortured and unsure of his place in life, and suffering from the same ailment as myself a fellow “recycler”. Being that we are the male and female equivalent of each other it would only make sense that we consistently feel the need to make the other suffer. Our intentions are good; always conversations on what went wrong. It’s been 2 years since we broke up and 2 years of back and forth recycling, neither of us could tell you why.
What do I get out of this relationship? I couldn’t tell ya . . . Tom Hansen (through my own eyes) on the other hand gets the people pleasing, cheerleading, comforting, genuine concerning good girl. I could sit and overanalyze this relationship and attraction for punishment for years and never reach a conclusion, I mean come ‘on they still don’t know who killed JFK!
The pain is inevitable in a relationship, the suffering is optional. So instead of being someone’s crutch, it’s time to cut the cord. The relationship/friendship may end, but it doesn’t have to end my life; my largest fear when it comes to Tom Hansen. So instead of spending more time trying to perfect myself to someone else’s ideal of perfect, it’s time to focus more of my energy and putting myself out there for the “strange”.
So goodbye to the “Good Girl”. The girl who is there at the drop of hat when “he” is feeling down and out. The girl who consistently tries to manipulate herself into something or someone she is not. The girl who may not be perfect for you, but will one day be someone else’s idea of perfect by just being her. Goodbye to the girl who is vulnerable to let you in her heart and take hostage. I will not take another’s opinion of myself as the truth, nothing others think or say about me is me, just a reflection of their own reality. I no longer need to try to influence exboyfriends/Tom Hansen to like me, view me as perfect, regret their decision to let me go. . . ultimately this should free up an unbelievable amount of my time. The current destination without Tom Hansen is unknown, but necessary to discovering the real good girl inside me. There are no regrets, because when it was good, it was wonderful. When it was bad . . . it was an experience, and when the dam burst, all you can do is swim.
Not only my most dramatic friend, but also a very talented writer! Best of luck to you in this new and challending endeavor, if nothing else, it will be very entertaining for us friends to read. But I'm sure it will be much more than that. If hundreds of late nights up and phone calls and conversations over glasses of wine couldn't get to the bottom of it all, hey, maybe a blog can!
ReplyDeletexoxo Steph
Some food for thought:
ReplyDeleteDo you go back to boys like "Tom" because there are no high expectation from either party? You both have been there done that. So it's easy, you already know it's not going to work so he's there when needed type of thing.
Or is more of a ego thing? You don't want your number going up so you go back to boy like Tom because he's already on your list?
It's ego, rejection, insanity . . .doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. It's not a lack of expectation, but the disappointment because the bar is set so high. It's the desire of intmacy and fear of being alone, difficult to live with but even more impossible to live with out.
ReplyDeleteThey say when you are alone you learn the most about yourself and who you are. Maybe being a lone right now is a good thing. You can truly figure out what you want in life. And maybe bring the bar that you have set up so high down and learn to love whatever or whoever comes your way.
ReplyDelete