Cure for the common silly girl . . .

I am almost embarrassed of girls my age now days and I am no stranger to participating in this epidemic of silly girls.  They say if you’re not willing to make yourself sound stupid, you don’t deserve to be in love.  The girls of my generation took that quote and ran with it!  We run around and risk ourselves, reputations, heart, and mind.  We do things we never thought we would do, and in the end sometimes it works out, but mostly we just look silly. There is no rulebook, no guidelines set for us to follow just some advice passed down to our mothers which was passed down to them from their mothers.   Our mothers broke all the rules, but then continued to pass along the same advice they received, I presume because they saw themselves as silly girls.  So where does that leave us?  Smack dab in the middle of a tug a war, defining our image and road map between Grace Kelly and Paris Hilton.  So what do we do, how do we break the cycle?  Rules, maybe there isn’t any, maybe we have to make our own rule book.  Who cares if you’re a Grace or Paris, as long as you’re just being you.   Eventually we are going to have to face the world, guns blazing.  So why not feel guilty for crossing your own lines, not the ones society, and our mothers set for us.  God knows our mothers didn’t follow the advice passed down to them, communes, “Free Love” and Woodstock I’m sure was not in the playbooks. 

So we quit wadding in the shallow waters of silliness, dive into the deep end and emerge from the water refreshed and renewed.     We don’t let anyone tell us what is acceptable and what’s not, I know it can get dangerous and scary, but you’ll learn.  The silliness will become a distant memory of someone who stumbled to find who she was amongst a plethora of expectations.    Restoring which once was the shell of a confused insecure silly girl.  Now all anyone will see is a strong, independent, and confident woman, with her own rule book in tow, the best accessory.

It’s a mad mad world . . .

I have been spending a lot of my now available free time with girlfriends of mine, and throughout conversations it made me ask the question . . .When did we as women become the one courting men, instead of vice versa?

I met with some dear friends the other night for a birthday dinner, and I was the gift or birthday surprise.  A great honor and privilege when it comes to this particular friend.   I greatly admire her and the many obstacles in life I have been there to witness her go through, and see her become the strong women she is today.   I definitely admire her boyfriend and hers relationship, and view them to be unique.  They complement each other in so many ways, and can really feel a sense of balance within their relationship.   They are both supporters of my blog and questioned what topic I would be talking about in my next post, I replied “Co-dependency” within relationships.   They were both enthused by the topic and opened up honestly about their past relationship and how co-dependency was an issue.  So what makes this relationship they are in now different then the old habits in the past?  They courted each other.  Neither was too quick to jump head first, they took things slowly, lunch dates, late night phone calls . . . something rare now a days.

Today we are so desperate to jump into the deep end before we even know how to swim, that by the time we figure it out we are exhausted, exuded all of our energy and suffocating.  What happen to taking things slowly?  In a world where everything is instant with the click of a mouse, fast food, instant coffee, the internet on our phones, we are introduced to a society that not only expects but demands instant satisfaction.  We elect a new president on day 1, and disappointed when he doesn’t deliver the “change” he promised by day 2.   We want, what we want, when we want it.  We are a generation addicted to falling in love, when we haven’t even taken the time to really know what love is.

More to come on Co-dependency, but for now I am taking time to “Stop and smell the roses”.

A very blog-public rant with a side of disclaimer . . .

I am not quite sure where to begin this post, or that it’s appropriate.  But I feel the point of this project is to expose myself, flaws and all so here it goes . . .

Currently there is someone in my life where I felt the chapter wasn’t closed, and no matter how long it’s been it was a relationship that always tugged at my heart.  I never felt closure, and never liked the way things ended.  I also realize you can’t live in the past, otherwise you can never move forward. 

This evening I got an email that made my heart sink. . . and so begins the rant.  For any of the men that have played some romantic role in my life at one point or another, this blog is not about you.  Yes I mentioned that I will discuss my relationships, specially the toxic relationships I keep experiencing with 3 in specific.    Still . . . this is not about you.  This is about me, completely exposing my flaws (yes I know that I was anything but the perfect girlfriend to you) and discovering who I am.  This is me taking off the mask you so kindly said I wear, and yes the façade is over hence the blog.  Maybe if you would have taken the time to actually read my blog instead of skimming it, you would have seen that.  I was very much in love with you when we were together, and it’s not the kind of love you just forget.  So if you were looking for a way to hurt me, you got your moment.  It may have been cowardly and strategically played to your own reality, but it is not my reality. You say I live as though I am the lead character in a TV series or movie, and you couldn’t be more right.  I am the lead character of my own life, just like everyone else.  I never meant to insult you, I never even mentioned you in this blog.  As for the past I couldn’t be more apologetic for the many ways I have wronged you.  But the past is just that, it’s the past.  This blog was not intended to hurt your feelings, and to make you feel recycled.  Our relationship is very special to me, and I hold it very close to my heart.  I was looking forward to the next chapter of our story, even if it was just friendship.       

 I am sure you and everyone else are wondering why I didn’t just settle this privately. Well . . . that would defeat the whole reason for this project.  Get my thoughts, feelings, flaws, and emotions out, to hold myself accountable for producing healthy relationships in 2011.  

Besides, even though you claim blogs are stupid, and mine is “hysterically pathetic” I know your still reading. . .

Love, Logic, Fairytales and Boundaries . . .

I can’t help but remember when I was younger; a common phrase used “When I grow up . . .” Now we are all grown up, and how do we make it stop?  Before we lived by the rules our parents set for us, and now we live by our own rules.  We set boundaries and draw lines in the sand, we develop these walls that are meant to keep others out, but really we just cage ourselves in.  

At some point we have to decide.  Do we spend our lives laying bricks, building the walls meant to keep those who hurt us out, and those who potentially pose a threat.  Or do we raise our white flag, and cross the lines that are too dangerous to cross?  We have to make our own mistakes, learn our own lessons.   

Cinderella, Prince Charming, a white dress, a perfect complexion, the fairytale.  When do we grow up and stop believing?  Logically these things don’t exist, but as girls it’s our future, as women it’s so close we can taste it.  We strive for a love full of singing birds, white picket fences, “you had me at hello . . .” and glass slippers.  Nobody ever comes to you and tells you that first you will be dragged through the mud, broken down in so many ways that you begin to believe there is no bandage big enough to protect the wound in your heart.  And after we have experienced, we may be a little beaten up but we jump right back in the ring.   The pain is a different kind of pain; you inflicted it upon yourself despite all the warning signs. And when dust has cleared, and you have sobered from the same Kool-Aid everyone else is drinking you are brought back to logic, walls, and boundaries. 

Love is a drug, heroin for our soul.  The most addictive; the most fatal. You instantly become an addict with your first hit, and when it’s all gone all you want is more.  You hallucinate fairytales when you are at your highest high, and you become “Lovesick” at your lowest low.  Logic is our hangover, you know what you are doing when you’re drunk and high on love, you know the consequences when you wake up in the morning.  So why do we do it, why do we drink the Kool-Aid?  It’s the fairytale.  Pushing the boundaries letting go of logic; knowing that one day someone special enough is going to come along and hold your hand well you cross that line that was always too dangerous to cross. 

Goodbye to the Good Girl.

Some of us end a relationship like we rip off a band aid.  Quick, with a tinge of pain, and it’s over.  I do things a little more dragged out and painful.  Staring at the horizon of yet another failed relationship, I instantly overanalyze what went wrong . . . 

I spend more time trying to influence others that I am “perfect”.  I know I have flaws, everyone has flaws.  I am a people pleaser, I want others to view me as the perfect partner, friend, daughter the list goes on and on. Whatever role I play in your life, I want to be the best version of myself.  Not a dishonorable quality, but a heartbreaking one.  Failure is indefinitely going to be the outcome, nobody is perfect.   If my primary concern is to please others, no wonder I continue to make bad decisions for all the wrong reasons in my relationships.    This also ignites the explosion of pent up resentment I feel for the other person in a relationship, exposing that crazy scary version of myself I mentioned in my last blog.

Although there have been many chapters in my life of men that I have recycled none have been more chronically and heartbreaking then one . . . Tom Hansen (Alias, “500 Days of Summer”) tortured and unsure of his place in life, and suffering from the same ailment as myself  a fellow “recycler”.  Being that we are the male and female equivalent of each other it would only make sense that we consistently feel the need to make the other suffer.  Our intentions are good; always conversations on what went wrong.  It’s been 2 years since we broke up and 2 years of back and forth recycling, neither of us could tell you why.   

What do I get out of this relationship? I couldn’t tell ya . . . Tom Hansen (through my own eyes) on the other hand gets the people pleasing, cheerleading, comforting, genuine concerning good girl.  I could sit and overanalyze this relationship and attraction for punishment for years and never reach a conclusion, I mean come ‘on they still don’t know who killed JFK!

The pain is inevitable in a relationship, the suffering is optional.  So instead of being someone’s crutch, it’s time to cut the cord. The relationship/friendship may end, but it doesn’t have to end my life; my largest fear when it comes to Tom Hansen.  So instead of spending more time trying to perfect myself to someone else’s ideal of perfect, it’s time to focus more of my energy and putting myself out there for the “strange”.

So goodbye to the “Good Girl”.  The girl who is there at the drop of hat when “he” is feeling down and out.  The girl who consistently tries to manipulate herself into something or someone she is not.  The girl who may not be perfect for you, but will one day be someone else’s idea of perfect by just being her. Goodbye to the girl who is vulnerable to let you in her heart and take hostage.  I will not take another’s opinion of myself as the truth, nothing others think or say about me is me, just a reflection of their own reality.  I no longer need to try to influence exboyfriends/Tom Hansen to like me, view me as perfect, regret their decision to let me go. . . ultimately this should free up an unbelievable amount of my time.  The current destination without Tom Hansen is unknown, but necessary to discovering the real good girl inside me.  There are no regrets, because when it was good, it was wonderful.   When it was bad . . . it was an experience, and when the dam burst, all you can do is swim.

The 30 Day Challenge

Single white female, living in a time where Jennifer Aniston is the new Jackie O, the economy sucks, we are the children of the baby boomers, and divorce, we were told “If you don’t go to college, you will be nothing”, ask my generation how the return on that investment is working out for them.  The economy sucks and most of us don’t have a choice but to still live with our parents.  With everything standing in our way society and the “American Dream” says we are to get married, have kids be the “Real Housewives” of whatever city we reside in, or on the other side of the coin, we are to focus on our careers, and live the blissfully free lives of Carrie Bradshaw and Vincent Chase . . . or so HBO makes us believe.  

So where do I fall in all of this commotion, confusion, and media hype?  I recycle . . . and not what you would think.  I don’t recycle old newspapers, soda pop bottles, or milk cartons.  I recycle . . . ex-boyfriends! It’s a horrible habit and one I can’t explain or provide a logical, reasonable, or sane explanation for why I do this.  Just the simple answer that I am not good at communicating, relationships . . . in fact I spend more time giving relationship advice for both my male and female friends.  A consistent rotation of diagnoses, and prescriptions for a generation of commitment phobic, stage five clingers.  I guess the phrase “those who can’t do, teach” is a true statement in my case.  I know that I need to look in the mirror and follow my own advice.  I am not naive or blind, I am fully aware of what I am doing . . . but there are just some things I have no self control over.  My sanity in relationships is one of them. I become a crazy scary version of the already type A, perfectionist that I am.  So instead of introducing this crazy side of myself to new people, why not just stick with those who have already dealt with the madness!  Obviously this isn’t working out for me, so I am presented the 30 day challenge . . .

 A challenge brought to me by my cousin-in-law, and confirmed by a friend that I will absolutely fail without a doubt! No communication with 3 particular ex’s for 30 days. In a time where you know what the kid who gave you rocks in kindergarten had for lunch that day, you can see how this may present itself to be challenging and difficult.  Despite all of the things that I am, I love a challenge and proving people wrong.  The real question is, “Can I do it”?

So I will blog (hopefully daily) how I am affected by this challenge. I will go into detail about the 3 gentlemen who play such an important role in who I am, and why they consistently play a part in my life.  However for everyone’s protection I will give them alias.  I can’t promise that it will be interesting or intellectually stimulating, but I promise to be honest and graphic (with discretion).  My best friend from college once described me as her “most dramatic” friend.  I could be offended or humored by this comment; instead I wear it as a badge of honor.  I live life emotionally with my heart on my sleeve, and I am proud of it, it reminds me I am alive.  So if anything I promise you will be entertained.

I am not my mother or Jackie O, I am not Rachel Green, and I most definitely am not Carrie Bradshaw.  I am Kristen, 28 years old, single; completely unaware of who I am other then someone’s girlfriend/ex-girlfriend, but that all changes  . . .

Im through with love - Marilyn Monroe